the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
