After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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