drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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