I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
