I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
