update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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