you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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