why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
