i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Enjoy the penises
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
