i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
