So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
