a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
