I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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