i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
