i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
