this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
