Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
