im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
