her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
PANTIES FOUND
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