All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
