Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
