Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
