I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
