Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
