I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
