I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
