You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
