Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
