OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
