Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
