The maid of honor just puked.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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