I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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