chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
