don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
