He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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