The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
