I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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