i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
