I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
