you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
