Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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