First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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