That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
