I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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