the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
