I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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