my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
