i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
