Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
