fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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